Lupin's Lovesick Ladies
by bookhater
Summary: Just a list of ways Remus didn't keep a romantic partner for any length of time, mentioned it as a joke in my Reading the Books series, and then, how could I not do it? In no particular order of his years in school, no house discrimination though I didn't specify, and some sexual curiosity, so if you don't like the idea of at least bi Remus some of them might annoy you.


In lue of a chapter, because I'm still trying to edit the next one which has a bit of a stubborn part, here's this little nugget I promised!

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Griselda Summers dumped him when Peter dropped a bottle of ink all over her and Remus laughed along with his friends.

Chrissy Monthser left him after three days, apparently she'd only asked him out to try and get closer to James Potter.

Emma Watson was a lovable girl, but a few years too young for him, as his friends constantly pointed out, so he kindly broke up with her no matter how much she protested age shouldn't matter.

He lied and told Kiki Silver he was allergic to cats.

He fell hard for Regina Snaps, but panicked when she agreed to go on a date with him, and told her he hated the color pink, her favorite color.

Ursula Waters broke it off when told by Sirius that Remus' skin would continue growing paler until it turned bone white and would eventually go full albino.

Tamara Rome ditched him when he couldn't buy her a birthday present that year.

Ariel Truman 'caught' him talking to a dog, having a full blown conversation with it apparently. She quietly broke up with him, she couldn't even bring herself to admit how crazy she was now convinced he was, and he was left confused.

Lila Evert had spent the month long relationship trying to mother him. He'd eventually shaken her by foisting her onto Peter, the girl was happy for the trade for a time.

He lied to Crystal Brown and told her he couldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't get a little 'ruff' in bed.

He ditched Alison McCormack when he grew sick of her trying to tag along with their Marauder pranks.

Minca Harrow broke up with him when she saw the scars and he lied, turning it into a joke about love sick puppies. She called him an insensitive wart and he still genuinely regrets never asking where she got hers.

He spent three hours telling Samantha Wrest about Periodontal Disease, taking the Muggle sickness and spinning it to horrifying proportions of all the blood someday soon would be spilling from his gums. After a quick sip from a bottle of cherry filling, she ran off after seeing the 'blood' dripping down his chin.

He told Penny Wisehouse he couldn't see anyone who wasn't a dog person.

He broke up with Merla Omna when her cat chased Wormtail, confusing the poor girl more than anything.

James spent a memorable month telling anyone who would listen that Remus had the hots for McGonagall. Finally Tara Plow believed him when she caught Remus in a compromising position in her head of Houses' private office- Remus then had to make a very quick get away before said professor showed up and saw what he'd charmed a statue to look and sound like.

He broke up with Aubry Melano because of how bloody smart she was, he was convinced she was going to figure it out, so he dumped her without giving a reason, and she quietly accepted it, scaring him all the more of what she knew.

Tamra Rome apologized and asked to take him back, he agreed, but then she broke up with him again when Valentine's day came around and he again had not bought her a gift, claiming transfiguring flowers into another kind of flowers didn't count.

He spent five minutes with the depressing tale of Dysmetabolic Syndrome, so that Greenie Greenwood would no longer ask why he was addicted to sweets. The taste of chocolate on his lips wasn't worth his heart one day bursting out of his chest.

He took Kiki Silver back for a time, lying about Madam Pomfrey's recent discovery of a cure to such allergies. She'd gotten rather wild in their time apart, far too untrustworthy with the close kept secret he had and he had enough of those kinds of people in his life, so broke up with her again that weekend with a new sudden allergy to her perfume.

Things didn't work out with Gary Oldman because he kept his own secrets, the two drove their own wedge between each other

Juniper Carnell spent her time in the Greenhouses trying to recreationalize plants she really shouldn't have been.

Ava Pride was far too competitive and kept arguing with Prongs every time they were within sight of each other.

Hue Mendoza had refused to keep meeting him in empty classrooms when Remus made a joke about inviting more people for fun, the guy had a bad sense of humor anyways.

He never learned Titania's last name, they spent a fun hour snogging, which is how Dumbledore found them when he had to inform the girl her parents were pulling her from school.

Once he got bored with him, he gave a very descriptive account of mononucleosis to Matthew Kimura, who actively avoided every Gryffindor the rest of that year in fear of how contagious it apparently was.

Sirius subtly broke up Remus and Polly Fuchsia's relationship because he got jealous she asked Remus out when he'd been wanting to date her for ages. Yes, Sirius can be subtle when he wants to. He paid off an older student to make it look like Remus had been the one to try and slip her a potion.

Tamara Rome tried to get back together with him, again, and he allowed it for the sole purpose of then scaring the piss out of her by describing his disease of Neurofibromatosis. He didn't even have to exaggerate that one.

Sophie Hightower 'discovered' his disease of CNN, and when she confronted him, he admitted he was sneaking out once a month to go attack cows, as the disease obviously suggested.

Chloe Harkins shot off one too many views about her feelings on how Dark Creatures weren't being regulated enough. Remus' friends got mad, and despite Remus' protests it would seem suspicious, the three orchestrated a 'mermaid' attack, nearly drowning the poor girl by accident in the process when the giant squid didn't save her like they thought it would. She dumped Remus anyways because she thought he'd been in on the joke.

Skyler Smith broke up with him when she broke her leg and he never came to visit her in the hospital wing that weekend.

Rue Quill ended it with him after she admitted she'd only been trying to make Sirius jealous.

Remus dumped Leo Hamptr after he made some snide comment about Sirius being in the wrong house.

He was very forcefully encouraged by a seventh year to stop dating Angela Bones, and despite his friends retaliating, he left her anyways, they already had one Marauder having a war because of a girl.

Benjy Fenwick complained Remus spent too much time with his friends. Remus did the obvious thing and flipped him off, the relationship fell apart from there.

Lisa Farlocks refused to admit cardigans were comfortable.

Melissa Carthill fell in love with Sirius.

Natalia Tena and he gently parted ways when he made it clear he never wanted to have kids.

He spent nine glorious months with Tegan Shilling. He agreed with his friends, she was 'the one that got away.' He'd been a breath away from telling her of his werewolf status, she deserved it for as patient and kind as she'd been with him during his last year of school, but panicked at the last second and instead fell on his old standby and lied, telling her he'd slept with her sister. He needn't have bothered in the end, she didn't come back from the Easter Holidays.

"I'm gay." She looked from him, to Sirius, and then nodded with a disappointed but unsurprised look and walked off.

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As you could probably tell, I highly enjoyed taking Muggle diseases and exaggerating them to freak out some purebloods/ half bloods. I do this to people in real life and crack up laughing when they think I'm serious, (shut up Sirius!). P. S. I think Remus' mom was a Doctor, that's how he knew them.


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